BENIGN TO FIVE
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Ten years ago, if someone had asked you what your spirit animal was, you'd have moved to the other end of the tram, dialled 000 into your Motorola flip phone and sat, quivering, with your thumb poised over the call button.
Today it's as unremarkable and pedestrian as pulled pork on a brioche bun with whipped kale, soused grass and a pfeffernussecrumble.You'll have it asked of you at work, in job interviews and sometimes even during medical appointments. And it's true: the answer you give to the question says a lot about you.
So here's my guide to deciding on which animal best represents you: Never go with a predator. It's a monumentally dull cliche. Everyone says they're a vicious (but strategically integrated) carnivore.
Ironically, by going with lion, shark or wolf you come away looking like a lemming. Consider the animal's flaws as well as its strengths. You might think tireless, strong and sturdy when you go with camel, but everyone else is thinking foul-smelling, froth-mouthed, seven-foot walking sheep dag. Mythical and extinct creatures are a good way of standing out from the crowd. I once said my spirit animal was a moa and immediately got a $25,000 raise and a bottle of Grange from my boss.
If some self-styled comedian takes this as their cue to ask "Does that mean you're dead" respond with "Not as dead as your career, banal predator". Stay within these guidelines and you'll soon be zoomorphing yourself into an irresistible professional force.
Jonathan Rivett's spirit animal is the gibbon. He blogs at www.haught.com.au