Now that dapper multi-millionaire pub heir Stu has been officially introduced to the series, it seems foolish proceeding with this viewing charade.
And yet, here we are, entertaining the notion that Sophie Monk might still choose the 20-something magician over the 40-something family guy who owns a super yacht.
Bachelorette viewers, we're like pro wrestling fans - we'll accept the mass self-delusion, just don't wreck our TV entertainment.
And Thursday night's entertainment involves piss-riddled pot plants. Bear with me, we'll come back to this.
The guys are still reeling from the Red Wedding on Wednesday, when original bachelors Hayden, Brett and Harry were sent home over a bunch of intruders.
"The whole house lost some good guys," Jarrod commiserates, like an extra in Dunkirk. "If one of these old-timers got a single date before me, I'll walk," Blake adds threateningly.
Thankfully, James saves bachelor lives by getting the solo date - with Sophie forcing him into a spot of street performance ("rapping," she calls it, but it's really not). She gets him plastered on Prosecco beforehand, which is for the best.
"James is a financial planner, and I saw him stand up and do things that no one in my industry would ever do," says Sophie after they've both thoroughly embarrassed themselves. Well yeah, otherwise they'd be back to waiting tables.
After some smooth answers where he convinces Sophie that breakdancing for tourists at Circular Quay is just as important as saving lives, James gets a kiss and a rose.
The other guys, meanwhile, are on a 'back to school' group date, competing in countless challenges for one-on-one time with Sophie.
"I left school 27 years ago... That's before most of these guys were even born," admits Stu, confirming he's pretty old. Lucky he still has $500 million.
The guys get five minutes to make a paper aeroplane. Even with all that time, Guy and Stu can't craft planes that travel forwards, and they're dismissed to the sidelines.
In a free-throw shooting challenge ("the school of Shaquille O'Neal???", Osher calls it, showing he knows absolutely nothing about basketball - it should be "the school of Mark Price", obviously), Blake and Mack airball their way out.
Up next, a maths challenge is brutal. Jarrod doesn't even know that something multiplied by 0 equals 0. Coincidentally, neither does Sophie. It should be a perfect match (of wits, at least), but he's out and so is Sam.
The final sees Ryan and newbie AJ battling it out in a spelling bee. "Which one of you is a cunning linguist?" asks Osher, pretty pleased with himself.
AJ, the chef, trips over "cuisine", spelling it with a "z". If you're suspicious, you'd be correct. He admits he threw it deliberately, because the original guys are babies and would lose it if an intruder won a solo date before they did. Clever move, AJ, you should be on Survivor.
During the one-on-one, Ryan digs himself into a hole, telling the popstar/movie star/celebrity bachelorette he prefers "private relationships" and can't picture himself fitting into Monk's showbiz-y lifestyle.
It's an honest moment, but Sophie isn't feeling it. "You should go off and meet the right girl, and I promise you it's not me. Do you agree?" she asks him.
"Um... yeah?" he responds, before realising what's happening. He bids the mansion farewell with a "F---, this is f---ing bull---", leaving Sophie one-guy closer to Stu's $500 million fortune.
Ryan's conspicuous absence at the evening's cocktail party gets the other guys chattering. Jarrod uses the uncomfortable situation to offer Sophie a shoulder to commiserate on. Instead, he starts talking about those pot plants.
The pot plants, which he'd gifted to Sophie last week as some symbol of their blossoming love, becomes a major plot point. There's a guy with $500 million in the mansion, but we're talking about pot plants. OK Ten, sure.
Jarrod's purple viola hasn't sprouted, so he accuses the other guys of sabotaging it, probably by pissing in it. "To link the name Blake with the word pee could be fact," offers Sam with a wry grin.
The bad blood carries over into rose ceremony, where the phrase "he pissed in my pot plant" gets used way too dramatically.
In the end it doesn't matter, they both get through, leaving Guy, the creepy optometrist intruder who we haven't learned a thing about, on the chopping block.
#Pisspotgate threatens to explode next week, as the guys dress in animal onesies and have a bitter boys' night-in. Meanwhile, Stu quietly thinks of his millions.